🔗 Share this article

I have been close companions with a woman, who has faced and conquered several obstacles, and I respect her for that. However, she's repeatedly caught off guard by people. Her spouse walked away, and it was a massive blow. Several of her friends drifted away at that point, because they seemed only interested in the spouse. This surprised her deeply. She put in greater energy to be my friend, likely understood better the essence of true friendship.

A Recurring Theme With Friends Drifting Away

Over the years, many close to her have drifted apart leaving her certain of the reason. The company she worked for became hostile, despite the fact that she was an excellent employee, she departed unaware of what had changed.

Present Situation

In recent times, we've both left the workforce leading to more time together, but I am finding the part I play between us feels one-sided. I open discussion points but she shifts them to what interests her. Politically, she holds unyielding views. My effort is to propose double-checking information and alternate views.

She has been arranging a vacation to a country I have traveled to repeatedly even called home for some time. I tried to offer insights, yet it was met with resistance. She essentially only wanted my agreement with her choices. I recently returned from 30 days there and she wants to reconnect, yet I'm reluctant.

Weighing the Options

I am unwilling to act as a friend who cuts and runs without a word, but I don't think she can understand the effect of her behaviour on my confidence. Right now, I find myself in avoidance mode. How should I proceed?

Potential Solutions

You could walk away, yet this is seldom the easy answer that we desire. However, addressing it with the goal of resolution demands strength and openness for each of you.

Therapists recommend using a useful conflict resolution tool:

"Step one requires explaining the usual pattern when you talk. Aim for this to be objective and clear and essentially what a recording device would replay. Next involves sharing her how it affects you emotionally. There should be no argument here. Your feelings are your feelings, naturally. Finally is to question how you are both will alter the pattern between you."

Keep in mind that she also has her own side, so you need to remain ready to hear that. An approach that works is to say to the other person:

"Please share your thoughts and I'm going to listen without interrupting for a set time."

This can be successful in fostering understanding.

Final Thoughts

This person could ignore everything, since certain individuals have a self-protecting mindset: they maintain a narrative about themselves they won't let go of as it feels essential relies on it and it represents they trust. This poses a challenge because there's no thoroughfare here, mere obstacles. However, she might at first react like this before reflecting on your words. And should a resolution isn't found a resolution, it will give you peace knowing you were truthful.